Happy times, part 1

So much has happened! We have two exciting announcements: my older stepdaughter was accepted to her first choice college, the University of St. Thomas, and I’m pregnant! Both of these happy events came to light last week and will take place next summer. Hopefully I will be available for her high school graduation!

Let’s talk first about this adventure called “I have a child in college.” Wow, I did not anticipate this so early in my marriage! Nonetheless, my husband and I are determined to give her a leg up on life. You may remember that a year ago, we were worried that things wouldn’t fall into place for her, or worse that she would decide not to go to college. I’m so glad that she’s decided this is the right thing to do, and has put her energy behind it. In fact, going after a good college is just a side effect of a great change in her: she is now taking action in anticipation of life, rather than observing or waiting to see what happens. I am getting to know a whole new person, a proactive girl who has taken hold of her own life. Good job!

This makes me think more about a concept brought up frequently by a professor who happens to teach at the same University of St. Thomas, Dr. Deborah Savage. She explains that as part of the natural complementarity of male and female, the female is, by nature, actively receptive.

Actively receptive. Hmm. That’s a tough concept, and until I watched my stepdaughter go through these past couple years, my understanding of “actively receptive” was limited to acknowledging that there is a choice the woman should make. I guessed making a choice is active.

Now though, I understand that the action of receptivity is much greater. There is preparation, for example, and that means grooming my soul and my intellect daily so that when the deciding times arrive, I’m able and ready to receive God’s challenges and my husband’s protection.

There is also a responsibility on the part of a woman to actively seek out knowledge, challenges, and things that stretch my physical and intellectual abilities. In my case, nothing but that vigorous expansion of my body and mind will prepare me to meet the increasing hurdles of work, pregnancy, motherhood etc. In my stepdaughter’s case, the next challenges will be physical and sexual discipline during college, not to mention intellectual difficulty of a higher education.

And, there is the discipline and subtlety involved in the moments right after a choice is made. How much do I throw myself into new pursuits and opportunities that I receive? Should I put most of my resources behind my stepdaughter’s college education, for example; how much should we reserve for other needs?

But I digress. I’m so happy for my stepdaughter and my nurturing instincts are in high gear as I watch her prepare for this new phase of life. My dreamer’s imagination is in high gear too, dreaming up perfect classwork and friendships and crushes and vacation travels for her. I can’t wait to see her gain an advantage in life!

-Michelle Gracia

Sisters!

One of the most enjoyable facets of this summer's visit from the kids was seeing the two girls bonding as sisters!  They did each other's hair, picked out clothes, listened to music, attended a quincenera with a certain significant boy (!), and Kayla gave some of her pretty, outgrown dresses to Nethanya.

It makes me miss my sisters!  I loved the special occasions when the three of us would get ready for an event.  With clothing, shoes and jewelery strewn about, lots of trading and borrowing, and boys thumping around in their fancy shoes on the other side of the house...well, there's just something delicious about it all!

I have a new goal:  hubby, please let's have however many children it takes to have at least two boys and two girls, so they can each know what it's like to have brothers and sisters!

-Shelley Gracia

Tommy, Tippo & Hippo

The most interesting conversation came up no less than three times this summer.

My two younger stepkids have very different approaches to life and intelligence. My stepson is very emotional, with deeply accurate intuition. My stepdaughter is logical! With a great deal of forward-thinking, accurate analysis. She’s very interested in consequences and simple black-and-white truths.

Like Augustine and Aquinas, who arrived at the same correct theological conclusions via two very different paths.  My stepdaughter identified herself as a "Tommy" (it helps that her big sister is interested in the University of St. Thomas, too) and her brother as a "Hippo."

 

Tippo would be me—if left entirely to my own devices I’d lean toward Augustine, but I have a mathematical side that shows more often than I’d like because of the usual “adult stuff” (managing finances, scheduling activities, etc.). Not to worry, the logical side isn’t all by necessity—rearranging furniture, tracking expenses and organizing bookshelves are refreshing! So I “tip” back and forth.

Hubby, by the way, spends his work hours Tippo and home life Hippo.

Profiles and literature:

St. Augustine of Hippo

• quick profile
• books & criticism
• key work: The Confessions

St. Thomas Aquinas

• quick profile
• books & criticism
• key work: Summa Theologica

-Shelley

So many schools!

My stepdaughter’s volleyball camp was at a Catholic school this summer.  Then we went to visit a Catholic college; next came

“Why are there so many Catholic schools everywhere?” their brother asked.

I wish I had given a shorter answer; I fear I lost them! But here it is: God wants us to love and understand Him. In order to understand Him, we have to understand how He works in the world. In order to understand how He works, we have to be educated.

My husband is especially interested in the historical roots of the educational system: the middle ages, monasteries and parishes where common people could come to learn from the priests. Only the wealthiest nobility could afford a private tutor, which was the method of education at the time.

The definition of “school” prior to the monasteries meant a loose group of people who subscribe to a certain belief and perhaps have a common tutor. They were similar to today’s political parties or interest groups. Catholic priests and nuns changed all of that—“school” emerged as a central place for education, and so it is today.

On my part, I believe that true education in any subject is only possible if you can discuss God. Religion puts a purpose and a necessary moral structure beneath all of the sciences, literature, math, and especially the subjects that focus on people (social studies, psychology, anthropology, etc.).

Without God, we all just die away...there's no solid answer to the rebellious question "why bother?"  With God, we put what we learn to use forever.

-  Michelle Gracia

Groaning & Stretching

My middle stepdaughter is right at that age!  12 years old, dealing with mean girls at school, decidedly not a child.  I'm very glad for her big sister, who turns 17 next week.  She has emerged from 3 tough high school years and has embraced the chance to be an example for the younger two.

It's tough to say which girl is "the big thing" this summer.  Is it the younger beauty, with the groaning & stretching that's starting to happen in her bones & soul?  Or is it the older one, bounding toward college, ROTC and a more serious relationship?  Big changes are in the air!

- Shelley

Healthy Criticism

I mistakenly bleached one of my stepsons’ t-shirts, and I’m terrified! I’ve been aware that being a stepmother is an exercise in taking criticism. My own, my stepson’s, other adults'. 

In a last-ditch effort to convince myself that it’s OK to be as flawed as I like, I mentioned the feeling of scrutiny to my husband a few months ago. “You can make mistakes,” I told him, “the kids make mistakes, you can be forgiven. But even the tiniest mis-step from me results in misery.” He gave me a baffled look before saying, “Well yes. You’re their stepmother.”

It takes so few words to tell the truth!

God has handed me a chance to receive honest feedback in a very direct way from my stepkids, so I have to allow them some space to identify my faults. More space than my own (biased) children would need. I hadn’t realized, for example, that I use an ineloquent “ah-ah-ahh” sound when accidents are in the works (when my stepdaughter drives too close to the edge of a lane, when I see a glass about to spill, etc.). The sound draws quizzical attention to me, but doesn’t identify the danger! How annoying; I’m glad my stepson pointed this out to me.

Spiritually, this visit is a good opportunity to do a thorough examination of conscience. Here’s a meditative method I recently tried; I found it to be productive in preparing for Confession, and it also enhances the restorative nature of Reconciliation:

1. Begin by setting aside about 20-30 minutes in seclusion and silence
2. Find a comfortable position, preferable vertical—perhaps seated; kneeling only if it won’t become painful—with your arms and legs uncrossed. So yoginis, no seated lotus pose for this meditation! You’ll want your legs and arms to feel smooth and unruffled.
3. Close your eyes, and make the sign of the cross to decisively mark the beginning of your dedicated prayer.
4. Starting at the top of your head and working down, use each part of your body to examine its physical and metaphorical uses since your last Confession.

• Tip top of your head: have I been thoughtful rather than impulsive with my actions? Have my thoughts strayed to the right place? Have my intentions been pure? 
• Ears: Have I listened to my friends and enemies? Have I forgiven the words of my antagonists and embraced good advice, so only the right words still ring in my ears? 
• Neck: where have I turned my attention, and my time? Are my priorities where they should be, in daily life and in my direction overall?
• Eyes: do I look for God in people, in each detail that I pass, and in events? Do I examine the faults in myself, rather than in others? Do I keep my wants in proper perspective against my needs and the needs of others?
• Nose: am I humble? Vain? Do I care too much about what people see, and the image I portray?
• Mouth: do I speak the truth? Have I guided others in the right way, and am I sensitive to the circumstances that are/are not appropriate for me to speak?
• Shoulders: do I joyfully bear my own burdens and the burdens of others? Do I actively make sacrifices in order to offer God the opportunity to fine-tune my discipline and help ease the burdens of others?
• Continue throughout the rest of the body, top to bottom.
• How about your left and right sides? Your lungs, spine, arteries, veins and heart? Who/what do you put in front of and behind you? Above and below?

5. After each part of the body has been examined, from head to toe, willfully release any tension that you hold there, relaxing the muscles. Envision that part of your body expanding to allow more room for the Holy Spirit to fill you with grace.

6. Go to Confession.

7. After praying any penance, return again to the same position. From head to toe, again willfully relax and expand your muscles. Straighten your spine toward heaven, and envision the grace of the Sacrament filling the new spaces.

- Shelley 

"The greatest art is that which glorifies God."

This is what my grandmother used to tell my brother and me, every summer when she'd take us to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  My favorite areas were always the Greek and Egyptian.  For some reason I was most interested in sculpture, which I'm still no good at!  I think my brother's favorite hall was Arms & Armor...although for the most part, he was just bored.



First bored child at the art museum


We took the younger two kids to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts this Christmas.  It's smaller, but teeming with artifacts and stunning European works from the Middle Ages, Renaissance and Counter-Reformation.  I felt so close to my grandmother! 

"Why are so many paintings about Jesus?" asked Nathaniel.

Well, a few reasons.  The minor, practical reason is because the most successful artists of the day were those who chose to dedicate their craft to God.  With the support of a very religious European culture, they were the only artists who could earn enough to live!

But more importantly, artwork educated during a time when only nobility were commonly able to read.  Paintings served to illuminate the stories of the Bible.  Priests, primarily those in monasteries, were the only teachers who served the common people, and they taught literacy and history using Scripture.

Second bored child at the art museum

And to this day artwork helps us relate more closely to the stories that we read or listen to.  One of the most common images, Madonna and Child, helped families understand the love within the Holy Family and put that love to work in their own homes.  And the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross simply doesn't hit home as deeply until one both hears and sees His injuries and the grief on His human face.

Finally, it's because the Catholic Church has always been in the museum business!  Even to the earliest days, the Apostles--the first bishops--recorded their activities and decisions, gathered memorial artifacts, and helped the Christians of their areas (diocese) bury the dead with plaques and relics to preserve their stories.  We wouldn't have a Bible otherwise!  Illustrations and artwork--some depicting the Consecration during Mass :) --are found on the walls of the very earliest catacombs where our ancestors gathered in secret to worship.  Then throughout the dark ages, some parishes and a handful of monateries were the only places that managed to ward off the invasions and protect records, art and artifacts. 

All for the purpose of understanding how God works in the world:  illuminating more of God's will for us, and giving honor to Him who is the source of all beauty!

-Shelley

Philomena!

I just realized it's been WAY too long since I've posted to this blog!  I only posted my story about Philomena on the other blog, even though it has a grand place here on this one.  So, here it is:

Introducing our daughter, Philomena Sebastian Gracia. One of the things that I love about my faith is the opportunity to connect with people throughout time—others of the “Church militant” still making our way on earth, and mentors of the “Church triumphant” who have succeeded in making it to heaven. Nothing gives me hope quite like the knowledge that others, just as flawed as I, have made it.

Philomena. Six years ago, after investigations and archaeological debates that lasted most of the 20th Century, scientists confirmed that in the year 202 a small girl roughly 13 years old was buried in the Catacomb of St. Priscilla beneath Rome; buried with honors bestowed only on the Church’s martyrs of those early years: a small glass vial containing an amount of her blood and a shard of bone to represent violent death.

fresco painting of Mary, Jesus and a prophet in the Catacomb of St. Priscilla

Tiles sealing her grave were inscribed pax tecum filomena (Peace to you, Filomena), and symbols of virginity and martyrdom were engraved. Within three years of the tomb’s discovery, miracles accumulated.

“She became the only person recognized by the Church as a Saint solely on the basis of her powerful intercession, since nothing historical was known of her except her name and the evidence of her martyrdom.”

Like her namesake, our daughter Philomena is herself unknown to the world, but her good work on God’s behalf shines. She inspired love among our friends, gave us a sense of clarity and simplicity, and most importantly, she brought her sisters and brother so close to us by her short life and death. She easily brought our family to a higher level of understanding that I have been praying for for years.


I know some people who follow this blog aren’t Catholic, and a post like this is probably not usual for your faith. In my muddled words I know I risk more confusion than less. By “saint” (small “s”) Catholics mean anyone who is in heaven, including angels and people who have died and gone to paradise.

symbols of martyrdom (archor) and Christianity (fish, and Chi Rho) engraved on a tile from the Catacomb of St. Sebastian

Since we’re not privy to the state of a person’s soul at the time of death—indeed, it’s even difficult to know ourselves well enough as that!—it’s very difficult to know for certain whether or not a soul is in heaven. So the Church dedicates such careful personal, scientific, medical, societal and prayerful study before recognizing (canonizing) a person with the title “Saint.”


The idea of God in His generosity assigning tasks to saints (people and angels) is found throughout the Bible. Personally I look at it as a joyful prospect that if I make it to heaven, I’ll be able to serve God with the surety that what I’m doing is exactly what He wants me to do! No more uncertainty about what’s best. I can get my instructions straight from the source. I think God has written into human nature the desire to accomplish good things, and that type of positive desire certainly must increase with closeness to God. Maybe in heaven I’ll even be able to communicate without the danger of misspeaking, which is always a trick of the devil when humans on earth converse!


Back to the practical difficulty in determining whether people’s souls are in heaven. In 1587 the Office of the Devil’s Advocate was established to disprove miracles and disqualify people from official canonization. Hence our popular name for someone who in good faith tries to ensure that his peers’ positive thinking doesn’t obscure reality. Although the name of the Vatican department recently changed, the office remains assigned to ensure that the Church doesn’t inadvertently encourage people to communicate with someone not in heaven! It’s only after passing all of the tests that sainthood can be acknowledged.


Why bother, when we can go straight to God? At its core, communication with saints in heaven is because love is inclusive. I remember the first time a priest described the relationship between people on earth and in heaven as “inclusive,” but that idea took a long time to sink in. God loves people past, present and future as His children, and the nature of fatherly love means He wants us to love each other. I think of when I met my stepkids. They love my husband, I love him, and we sit around a table together. Should each child and I keep our eyes on him alone, and avoid speaking to each other? Does it detract from our love towards him when the kids look to me for an example—or when they speak to each other before jointly laying a question before my husband? In coming to each other, are we denying Raul’s place as leader? How silly! Of course our love for my husband only grows as his kids and I develop relationships with each other. It illuminates more of him. Love is inclusive.


When I lost little Philomena, my oldest stepdaughter suggested that when I find a penny, I think of it as a gift from my little angel. Since then I’ve found pennies in usual and unusual places, from a cafe carpet to the thumb of a pair of gloves. Each time, my thoughts include little Philomena and my tender-hearted stepdaughter. Thank you, Kayla, and pax tecum, Philomena.


-Michelle Gracia

Frustrating.

There’s an odd presence in our house. It’s like a ghost, of my husband’s past.


My stepkids, like all of us, have elements of both parents in their personalities. Recently one of my stepdaughters has been gravitating heavily toward her mother, and doing nothing (or in some cases, not enough) about important aspects of life: school, personal relationships, job, her future.  Religion.  We love her immensely and want to see her use her talents to succeed in school and beyond. But since she doesn’t live with us, our efforts to motivate her from afar and provide resources have come to naught. Part of her Grand Avoidance is to make excuses, with the help of her mother, not to visit anyone on our side of her family.

Lack of action has never been my flaw; on the contrary I tend to leap before I look. My husband also is a great “doer” in work, education and a myriad of personal pursuits from boxing to photography. We’ve been exposed in our own homes to a variety of personalities. Our parents and siblings, and to an extent our aunts and uncles all expose us to different methods of dealing with life. And teen years are a time of new boundaries and experimentation for everyone.

I’ve always pictured “new boundaries” and “experimentation” as having actual events to them. A real live experiment. This grand lack of anything—dare I name it cowardice?—is something I’ve never encountered either in my own family or in my husband’s, and I don’t know how to deal with it. It hangs in our home even when she is not here, because she is still part of us, and her mother is part of her. If only there could be some thing to handle!

I know there is always prayer, so I’ve been doing what I can to research saints, parental sites and prayers that maybe can offer advice. I haven’t found much beyond very broad prayers—prayer of a mother, prayer for a teen, etc.—but the research and prayer give me the sense that I’m helping and give me the opportunity to dedicate some time to a girl that I love.

St. Aloyisius Gonzaga, patron saint of teenagers and namesake of Gonzaga University

Perhaps also this is a time when I have to realize that all personalities have also elements of God. After all, this avoidance, which I have no idea how to deal with, is something God has handled in her, in her mother, and in countless people throughout history. President Kennedy was profoundly inactive during the Bay of Pigs crisis, drawing intense, justified criticism…but no war ensued, so miraculously lives were saved. Did he know that doing nothing would release the tension? Undoubtedly not. More likely he just didn’t have the courage to do what he thought to be right. Nonetheless his inaction left room for God to put some calmness into riled tempers. So prayer remains my only answer.

I’ll have to trust that God will put answers in front of me, one at a time, at a pace that my stepdaughter will be able to handle.

Child support and my favorite movie

I love those moments when two aspects of life come together! Last week my husband and I paid the monthly child support; and this weekend I watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Unrelated?

Denethor: Steward of Gondor and a second-tier character I hadn't related to in the past.  Ding ding!

I guess every couple finds their own way to handle finance. In our home, my husband handles money by aligning expenses with his larger goals. In a more methodical philosophy, I prioritize things that we're required to pay, regardless of whether they align with my emotional priorities.

To illustrate: my husband is a chef and owns a tree business. In my mind, a parking ticket with a threatening late charge would take priority over a Cook’s Illustrated or ISA Arboriculture subscription. To him, the benefits of learning more about his occupation are worth the city’s late fee.

These things come and go, but child support is a fact of life. For the most part, I’m lucky that our rates and arrangements are fair. They provide for the kids, leave enough for us to live on, and require that the other parent contribute financially. Just three points cause distress for me as a stepmother:

1. Do the kids benefit from the support that we pay? Mommy can do whatever she wants with the money—drink, shop, gamble, enjoy $150 haircuts or cosmetic dental procedures.
2. “The system” is right that my stepkids’ mothers need to have larger homes...and so do we. Some standard adjustments (based upon how much time we spend with the kids) allow for us to provide food, clothing, transportation, etc. when the kids stay with us. But there is no provision for the rather major requirement that our home accommodate five people.
3. In a home like ours where my husband’s income is not fixed—it’s based on business profits—there will unavoidably be months when that fixed child support amount is no small burden. If the kids lived here full-time, then during tough months we could choose inexpensive items and make other sacrifices to reduce expenses, but with child support, we pay the same amount no matter what.

There’s not much we can do about the first, and fortunately, I can think logically through moral decisions. Financially supporting my stepkids is our obligation and our joy.  The sentence ends there.  It's our obligation regardless of whether or not the other parent also does the right thing.

That we also have to have a bigger home at less cost is also fairly easy to deal with emotionally, although it will always be more difficult to find the right home. I just have to accept the kids as part of my family (a good thing!), and it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. My parents are very generous with me, and it's a joy to pass that along.  Sure, it’s a nice fantasy to think of moving to a cozy condo at a swanky address (my husband and I enjoy small spaces and downtown St. Paul). But the kids are a blessing and realistically we have to keep this home, which is farther from our ideal neighborhood and accommodates them.

Two down. The last is the tough one for me. It’s hard to watch what sometimes is a huge portion of our income divert into the hands of someone who may or may not spend it on the kids.

This is where my weekend break-through comes in.  I didn’t realize it—I’d sit through homilies and innocently nod my head—but I was looking at the money we earn as mine and my husband’s. The truth is, all of it belongs to God.  It’s His money and I’m the steward of it, like Denethor was the steward of Gondor.  My talents, my job, my husband’s business…all are of God, and my job is to pass the proceeds along to wherever they will do good for our home or another.  My husband and I were just a stop on the way.  If some of it helps to take care of another woman (not the kids), then it’s up to God to ensure that it works some good in that other woman’s life and by extension improves the kids’ lives.  That kind of thing is a cinch for God.

Humility

I wonder if parents have a similar experience? All preparations and classes and workshops tell us that the marital relationship is the core of every family, natural and step, and it must be the first priority of a couple to care for their marriage above all.

Kids have needs though, and adults should be able to put emotions on hold (for a reasonable time) while more immediate needs are taken care of. I wish it was as easy as it sounds. This summer my stepkids were with us for a month, and as a newlywed, this was by far the longest I’d been together with them under one roof. If the kids could be with us for much of the year, as my oldest stepdaughter is, then I like to hope family life would be “normal” enough with their presence that our natural marital priorities can be kept in order. By contrast when the younger ones come, which is for longer, fewer stints of time, my husband has to (also wants to, and it’s right to) cram a lot of attention, reassurance, learning and teaching into these chunks of time. Every time that they come and go, he worries that a tragedy will make this the last time.

It’s humbling, a real challenge for someone like me who lived on my own for 12 years, to realize that in our home, I’m just not always that important! It’s very good for me spiritually I know, and probably long overdue. i’m sure parents feel the same challenge in other ways. I guess God found His way to remind me that I should be more humble, not presuming or expectant. Now to live down to it.


- Michelle Gracia

P.S. I write from Las Vegas, where I’m staying for a business meeting this week. My husband’s food is light years better than anything I’ve tasted at the restaurants here!

The opportunity to build virtue

Deacon Jim Meyer, who we were lucky enough to have receive our vows at our wedding Mass, opened an RCIA class with an interesting thought. The gist: pray for virtue. But if, for example, you pray for patience, don’t expect traffic to clear up and lines to feel shorter. Expect more traffic, longer lines, children slower to obey. God builds our virtues by giving us the opportunity to build virtue.


This week I made the mistake of praying for a peaceful, clear mind. I’ve since been overwhelmed with the chatter of 5 beautiful kids (6 including my great-with-kids husband); answered so many questions that my stepson has nicknamed me “Google;” and hit my head in a football game leaving a dull ache for two days and counting.

Thank you, God, for the opportunity to try to keep my mind clear of clutter!

“Human virtues are firm attitudes, stable dispositions, habitual perfections of intellect and will that govern our actions, order our passions, and guide our conduct according to reason and faith. They make possible ease, self-mastery, and joy in leading a morally good life. The virtuous man is he who freely practices the good.”

•Prudence
•Justice
•Fortitude
•Temperance

- Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1804: Human Virtues (available from Ignatius Press)

Also recommended: Aquinas on the Cardinal Virtues (Ignatius Press)

-Michelle Gracia

"You're So White," says my hubby

Usually there's little difference between my husband's Puerto Rican outlook and my European perspective.  We're both American.  We enjoy each other's cuisine.  Then my husband will surprise me with what seems to me the most random laughter followed by "Honey, you're so white."

That happened yesterday when I asked him if we can have a quick meeting with his mom, and maybe his dad, before the kids arrive for their month with us.  Since my husband & I both work, the kids will be spending most of the mornings with my husband's parents.  I've been gathering ideas, info on hours & admission prices at museums that the kids like; free concerts and family festivals; etc.

What a novelty in Hispanic culture--a sit-down meeting about the summer plans!  His laughter increased when I told him I have a binder of info for his mom to go with it!  It contains coupons, restaurant clubs, my art museum member card, etc.

I have to admit, I've never been quite this organized myself before.  Usually I'm much more spontaneous.  Perehaps my level of juvenile nervousness about having a houseful of kids for 4+ weeks is making me obsess just a little.  More.

Well, what's the downside?  It's really just about getting my thoughts together.  It doesn't matter if the kids end up doing the activities that I've gathered in the binder.  After all, my husband is right.  I'm so white.

Tender conversations

I've beeen doing a lot of introspection recently, because the kids are coming!  They'll be here for a month straight, and I can't wait! 

Along with the excitement and planning and home arranging, I'm also reminding myself of the things that my husband does to help the kids adjust to having a stepmom.  One accusation that stepmothers constantly face is that we shouldn't be.  That's true.  It's important that my husband and I somehow communicate the value of an intact family while still encouraging admiration for our own marriage. It's humbling and difficult to admit that something fundamental to our situation is wrong.

The tendency to look down on second marriages is natural. The quirk that many of us, myself included, forget to consider is that the second marriage might not be the one that is unnatural.  Our marriage is Sacramental; my husband's first marriage was not.

How can we explain that to the kids?  Child psychology surrounding separated parents is so tender.  Logical though I am, the presence of the children is helpful in forcing me to look at things in a tender-hearted way. They love both of their parents; it's natural to want a family to be all together; why should theirs not be one of them?  It was years before my middle stepdaughter stopped wanting her parents to get together again...and I'm sure that desire has been repressed, not truly removed.

In answering the biggest "why?" of their young lives, my husband has a talent for articulating things that are very abstract.  He understands the heart of people's actions.  While I am able to analyze and explain the progression of things in a logical way--for example, I can explain the differences between legal & sacramental marriage--he has a much cleaner, simpler way that connects with his children's hearts.  In fact, two of the kids have inherited minds like his.  They have a little more difficulty with logic, but are very insightful when it comes to moral concepts.

Here are a couple ways that seem to help the kids.  These are all more organic, sentimental things, but I can't help putting them into a list! 

1. Proactively explaining what Sacramental marriage is, while being reactive about legal marriage.  It may be difficult to explain the emotional and spiritual turmoil surrounding a divorce, but it's fairly simple to explain God's role in a marriage.  Once understood, the difference becomes obvious. 
2. Providing an open door about the past, and giving only good consequences when they talk about their parents across town.
3. Example.  My stepkids are so perceptive, and tension is one of the things they pick up on the best.  I know that they notice when I'm nervous, impatient or rushed, or shy when they first arrive.  That's OK I guess.  I think a lot of step-parents put emphasis on showing the kids who's "in charge."  This is a bit more combative than my pesonality though--I'd rather let them see when I'm nervous, or hurt, or unsure, so that they can also see how I handle it.  I may not always handle it perfectly...in fact I rarely do...so that also provides an opportunity to show them how to correct my mistakes.

Wish me luck this summer--I can't wait to have a whole month of family activities!

Our little goddaughter!

I'm happy to share a blog post by my sister-in-law, talking about the Baptism of our beautiful goddaughter.
http://www.littlelambandfamily.blogspot.com/

10 Things to Love about This Weekend

What a great weekend!  Let's get the downside out first:  no deep talks about anything.  Of course, that can be an upside too!  So many upsides... 

1. I was honored to spend a great deal of time with my husband, including the entire day on Sunday.  The whole day!  He did work, as always, and he brought me and my stepdaughter with him as he drove around giving estimates for tree trimming jobs.
2. My stepdaughter was with us, and she smiled practically the entire weekend.  I love how expressive her face is, especially when she lets the eyebrows do the talking.  It makes me wonder if she gets it from her dad...in which case, I hope my kids will be just as expressive!
3. OK there was one semi-deep conversation.  Politics!  My husband and I talked a bit about the march for immigration reform that took place over the weekend.  It was invigorating to examine the details and consequences of various laws.
4. I was tickled by the choice of petitions at Mass on Sunday (at the Basilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis).  One of the five:   
   "We pray for all of the cyclists on the trails in Minneapolis this spring."  (Perhaps it was my quirky mood that found this so amusing!  I never would have thought to pray for cyclists!)
5. My stepdaughter spent a lot of time on her phone playing a business game.  Good for her.  Maybe she'll learn some tricks that she can teach to us, since my husband recently started a business.  We could use that imaginary $10k that she made in a few seconds flat.
6. I'm reading The Bible and the Qur-an by Jaques Jomier (Ignatius Press, paperback or book-on-CD).  I'm learning from it.  I love that feeling of my mind accommodating new information.  Whether I retain what I knew before?  Um...no gaurantees.  What can I say?  I'm getting old.
7. I did another wedding calligraphy job, this time for a friend to be married this summer.  It may not be painting, but it still feels great to be creative.  Thank you Kati for the privelege of doing the calligraphy on your invitations!
8. We enjoyed an immediate-family gathering at my in-laws' home on Sunday.  Yum.  And, I have a mother-in-law with a beautiful soul.
9. The weather was brisk, sunny and fresh.  Perfect for my Ann Taylor LOFT green ruffle-collared jacket that my niece & stepdaughter helped me pick out last summer.  It's no longer available online, but it's basically a green, thigh-length, empire-waist version of this one.  It was the first clothing purchase for myself all year and I am taking good care of it.
10. God gave me 10 whole things to be happy about this weekend.  I'm glad He gave me time to stop and count.

Incidentally, check out the new blog at http://www.theintelligentcatholicsguide.com/ begun by Maureen and Chilton Williamson.

Talking "objectively" part I

Bear with me while I think aloud.

I think to when I was my oldest stepdaughter's age--just three months older than she is now--and a Morality class at school defined objective vs. subjective.  It's the kind of distinction that most people instinctively know is out there, but popular social leanings squelch that instinct before most people can articulate it.

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language:

objective, adj., ... 2. Having actual existence or reality. 3.a. Uninfluenced by emotion, surmise, or personal prejudice. b. Based on observable phenomena.

subjective, adj., ... 2. b. Particular to a given individual; personal.

Simply, "objective" is the statement of the moral law (what does God say about doing this in general?).
"Subjective" is the law applied in a certain situation (is this wrong for me under my particular cicumstances?).  In America our legislatures make objective laws, and the courts judge individual cases subjectively.

My stepkids have been educated in secular schools.  All of their everyday authorities tell them not to "judge."  My husband and I see them only on weekends or longer visits.

My older stepdaughter is at the age where sexuality is an everyday challenge--her own sexuality, her friends', her boyfriend's, characters' on TV and in movies, etc.  It's very important to show the appropriate level of trust to her.  So how do we talk to her correctly, and with clarity, without appearing to unfairly accuse her or her friends?

This is the perfect situation where I think we should talk "objectively."  Moral law (objectivity) applies to sexuality just as it applies to science, math and every other pattern of life.  Regardless of anybody's situation (subjectivity), it's important to at least know what the moral laws are and what the consequences are for breaking them. 

Why not talk about her particilar decision?  Even in the rare case when a teenager shares everything about her actions and her circumstances, there's no way for any human to completely know another human's situation.  Not even the situation of your own child or parent, stepchild or steparent.

So we're agreed, we have to speak objectively, then let her make her own subjective determinations about when things are right or wrong, and let her make her own judgement as to what is wrong for her.  (Yup, she has to "judge" what's right or wrong).

It took me several paragraphs to explain that.  Men are so different!  A few weeks ago my husband said to her, "I know you have a boyfriend now.  You know what's right.  You make your own decisions, and I hope you'll make the right ones."  How simple he makes it sound!

The Age of Reason

My stepson has so many questions!  He has no fear of saying or asking anything of my husband or me, and his insights are deep.  More so than both of his older sisters.  He instinctively connects complex moral concepts with everyday tasks, unlike the girls who have a few basic approaches ("Is this selfish or generous?" "Will it make someone happy or sad?" In the younger girl's case: "What have I heard before that I can rattle off now to get the right answer?")

It's no wonder that my nine-year-old stepson also shares our love of reading, and is already perusing literature such as Around the World in 80 Days. As another way to connect, he and my husband are reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray at the same time.  They're not too impressed and are both dragging through pages 49-52, so their bonding is more about commisery than excitement.  I'm sure they'll get through it...and maybe move on to The Lord of the Rings?  No?  They don't share my love of fantasy I guess!

I can now say with confidence that my stepson has reached the age of reason:  he understands right & wrong for their own sakes, not just for the sake of the consequences.  He's a brave kid, and he was very young when his parents divorced.  I know he was given answers at the time, but those childish answers don't suffice in his growing awareness of the world, so here the questions come again!

It was right in front of me!

I sometimes feel lonely or lost, like an outsider.  At those times I have felt as if there is so little prayer support around me.  Then I remember when my middle step-daughter asked me about St. Joseph:  "Why is he Jesus's 'foster' father and not his 'step' father?  What's the difference?".  Or when she excitedly realized that she can relate anew to Jesus:  "Jesus was a 'step'?!"

She's right!  We refer to St. Joseph as Jesus's foster father because he was responsible for Jesus's physical upbringing, unlike a step-father who takes second place to the child's real father, and because the foster situation is temporary.  Jesus was always intended to one day return to heaven with His true Father.

But in truth, St. Joseph was married to Jesus' real mother, so he is both Jesus's stepfather and foster father.  I have a real role model!  I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that there is a place for me in Catholic/Christian Tradition.

Here is an ancient prayer to St. Joseph, likely used by Jesus's followers while Jesus was still alive (and ever since).  We don't know exactly when it was written, only that it was found in 50 A.D., roughly 17 years after Christ's death and resurrection.  This prayer asks St. Joseph, who holds an important place in heaven close to Jesus, to join his voice to ours as we ask Jesus to protect the vulnerable and dying, and to mercifully welcome the dead into heaven.  At the time that it was originally found, this prayer was likely used as a plea to God to protect the new Christian people from martyrdom and torture.  This particular prayer has little to do with step-parenting (unless you consider step-parenting torture! I don't), but it's close to my heart because it is a direct link back to Jesus.


An Ancient Prayer to Saint Joseph

O St. Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God, I place in thee all my interests and desires. O St. Joseph, assist me by thy powerful intercession and obtain for me all spiritual blessings through thy foster Son, Jesus Christ Our Lord, so that, having engaged here below thy heavenly power, I may offer thee my thanksgiving and homage.

O St. Joseph, I never weary contemplating thee and Jesus asleep in thine arms. I dare not approach while He reposes near thy heart. Press Him in my name and kiss His fine head for me, and ask Him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath.

St. Joseph, patron of departing souls, pray for me.  Amen.


Now that I see a kindred spirit in St. Joseph, the line "I never weary contemplating thee and Jesus asleep in thine arms" touches my heart so deeply.

In gathering this sketch for the blog, I realized that the feast of St. Joseph is exactly one week from today, March 19.

Head of Saint Joseph looking down,

with a subsidiary study of his features (recto);

Two studies of legs (verso)

Andrea d'Angiolo, called Andrea del Sarto

(Florence 1486-1530)

Purchased by a private collector in July 2005,

Christie's, London, King Street

Burden vs. Consolation

When people find out that I have stepkids, usually I get some sort of negative or sympathetic reaction.  The first comment is usually something about the extra challenges we'll have.  That's not the reaction I had when I first learned that Raul has kids--I love kids and I was glad to have the opportunity to have a bigger family!  And I was nervous to meet them.  I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear my best friend Alison have the same reaction that I did (her excitement is the title of another post below!). 

It's true that the step-parenting situation is always the result of something off-kilter that happened in the past--be it a divorce, untimely death, abandonment, or unmarried parenthood.  Even in the case of an adoption, "something off-kilter" is related to the biological parents.  It's important though, to assign rights and wrongs to the correct column!  Perhaps there was never a sin at all, or perhaps there was a sin somewhere in the past.  But the presence of children is never wrong.  On the contrary, it shows that the parents made the right choice in bringing a child into the world.

The step-parenting situation, where an increasing number of us find ourselves, is the embodiment of an important consolation for past wrongs, and an even more important hope for the future. Out of every bad situation, God offers an opportunity for joy: the kids.