Bear with me while I think aloud.
I think to when I was my oldest stepdaughter's age--just three months older than she is now--and a Morality class at school defined objective vs. subjective. It's the kind of distinction that most people instinctively know is out there, but popular social leanings squelch that instinct before most people can articulate it.
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language:
objective, adj., ... 2. Having actual existence or reality. 3.a. Uninfluenced by emotion, surmise, or personal prejudice. b. Based on observable phenomena.
subjective, adj., ... 2. b. Particular to a given individual; personal.
Simply, "objective" is the statement of the moral law (what does God say about doing this in general?).
"Subjective" is the law applied in a certain situation (is this wrong for me under my particular cicumstances?). In America our legislatures make objective laws, and the courts judge individual cases subjectively.
My stepkids have been educated in secular schools. All of their everyday authorities tell them not to "judge." My husband and I see them only on weekends or longer visits.
My older stepdaughter is at the age where sexuality is an everyday challenge--her own sexuality, her friends', her boyfriend's, characters' on TV and in movies, etc. It's very important to show the appropriate level of trust to her. So how do we talk to her correctly, and with clarity, without appearing to unfairly accuse her or her friends?
This is the perfect situation where I think we should talk "objectively." Moral law (objectivity) applies to sexuality just as it applies to science, math and every other pattern of life. Regardless of anybody's situation (subjectivity), it's important to at least know what the moral laws are and what the consequences are for breaking them.
Why not talk about her particilar decision? Even in the rare case when a teenager shares everything about her actions and her circumstances, there's no way for any human to completely know another human's situation. Not even the situation of your own child or parent, stepchild or steparent.
So we're agreed, we have to speak objectively, then let her make her own subjective determinations about when things are right or wrong, and let her make her own judgement as to what is wrong for her. (Yup, she has to "judge" what's right or wrong).
It took me several paragraphs to explain that. Men are so different! A few weeks ago my husband said to her, "I know you have a boyfriend now. You know what's right. You make your own decisions, and I hope you'll make the right ones." How simple he makes it sound!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Age of Reason
It's no wonder that my nine-year-old stepson also shares our love of reading, and is already perusing literature such as Around the World in 80 Days. As another way to connect, he and my husband are reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray at the same time. They're not too impressed and are both dragging through pages 49-52, so their bonding is more about commisery than excitement. I'm sure they'll get through it...and maybe move on to The Lord of the Rings? No? They don't share my love of fantasy I guess!
I can now say with confidence that my stepson has reached the age of reason: he understands right & wrong for their own sakes, not just for the sake of the consequences. He's a brave kid, and he was very young when his parents divorced. I know he was given answers at the time, but those childish answers don't suffice in his growing awareness of the world, so here the questions come again!
Friday, March 12, 2010
It was right in front of me!
I sometimes feel lonely or lost, like an outsider. At those times I have felt as if there is so little prayer support around me. Then I remember when my middle step-daughter asked me about St. Joseph: "Why is he Jesus's 'foster' father and not his 'step' father? What's the difference?". Or when she excitedly realized that she can relate anew to Jesus: "Jesus was a 'step'?!"
She's right! We refer to St. Joseph as Jesus's foster father because he was responsible for Jesus's physical upbringing, unlike a step-father who takes second place to the child's real father, and because the foster situation is temporary. Jesus was always intended to one day return to heaven with His true Father.
But in truth, St. Joseph was married to Jesus' real mother, so he is both Jesus's stepfather and foster father. I have a real role model! I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that there is a place for me in Catholic/Christian Tradition.
Here is an ancient prayer to St. Joseph, likely used by Jesus's followers while Jesus was still alive (and ever since). We don't know exactly when it was written, only that it was found in 50 A.D., roughly 17 years after Christ's death and resurrection. This prayer asks St. Joseph, who holds an important place in heaven close to Jesus, to join his voice to ours as we ask Jesus to protect the vulnerable and dying, and to mercifully welcome the dead into heaven. At the time that it was originally found, this prayer was likely used as a plea to God to protect the new Christian people from martyrdom and torture. This particular prayer has little to do with step-parenting (unless you consider step-parenting torture! I don't), but it's close to my heart because it is a direct link back to Jesus.
An Ancient Prayer to Saint Joseph
O St. Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God, I place in thee all my interests and desires. O St. Joseph, assist me by thy powerful intercession and obtain for me all spiritual blessings through thy foster Son, Jesus Christ Our Lord, so that, having engaged here below thy heavenly power, I may offer thee my thanksgiving and homage.
O St. Joseph, I never weary contemplating thee and Jesus asleep in thine arms. I dare not approach while He reposes near thy heart. Press Him in my name and kiss His fine head for me, and ask Him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath.
St. Joseph, patron of departing souls, pray for me. Amen.
Now that I see a kindred spirit in St. Joseph, the line "I never weary contemplating thee and Jesus asleep in thine arms" touches my heart so deeply.
In gathering this sketch for the blog, I realized that the feast of St. Joseph is exactly one week from today, March 19.
But in truth, St. Joseph was married to Jesus' real mother, so he is both Jesus's stepfather and foster father. I have a real role model! I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that there is a place for me in Catholic/Christian Tradition.
Here is an ancient prayer to St. Joseph, likely used by Jesus's followers while Jesus was still alive (and ever since). We don't know exactly when it was written, only that it was found in 50 A.D., roughly 17 years after Christ's death and resurrection. This prayer asks St. Joseph, who holds an important place in heaven close to Jesus, to join his voice to ours as we ask Jesus to protect the vulnerable and dying, and to mercifully welcome the dead into heaven. At the time that it was originally found, this prayer was likely used as a plea to God to protect the new Christian people from martyrdom and torture. This particular prayer has little to do with step-parenting (unless you consider step-parenting torture! I don't), but it's close to my heart because it is a direct link back to Jesus.
An Ancient Prayer to Saint Joseph
O St. Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God, I place in thee all my interests and desires. O St. Joseph, assist me by thy powerful intercession and obtain for me all spiritual blessings through thy foster Son, Jesus Christ Our Lord, so that, having engaged here below thy heavenly power, I may offer thee my thanksgiving and homage.
O St. Joseph, I never weary contemplating thee and Jesus asleep in thine arms. I dare not approach while He reposes near thy heart. Press Him in my name and kiss His fine head for me, and ask Him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath.
St. Joseph, patron of departing souls, pray for me. Amen.
Now that I see a kindred spirit in St. Joseph, the line "I never weary contemplating thee and Jesus asleep in thine arms" touches my heart so deeply.
In gathering this sketch for the blog, I realized that the feast of St. Joseph is exactly one week from today, March 19.
Head of Saint Joseph looking down,
with a subsidiary study of his features (recto);
Two studies of legs (verso)
Andrea d'Angiolo, called Andrea del Sarto
(Florence 1486-1530)
Purchased by a private collector in July 2005,
Christie's, London, King Street
Monday, March 8, 2010
Burden vs. Consolation
When people find out that I have stepkids, usually I get some sort of negative or sympathetic reaction. The first comment is usually something about the extra challenges we'll have. That's not the reaction I had when I first learned that Raul has kids--I love kids and I was glad to have the opportunity to have a bigger family! And I was nervous to meet them. I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear my best friend Alison have the same reaction that I did (her excitement is the title of another post below!).
It's true that the step-parenting situation is always the result of something off-kilter that happened in the past--be it a divorce, untimely death, abandonment, or unmarried parenthood. Even in the case of an adoption, "something off-kilter" is related to the biological parents. It's important though, to assign rights and wrongs to the correct column! Perhaps there was never a sin at all, or perhaps there was a sin somewhere in the past. But the presence of children is never wrong. On the contrary, it shows that the parents made the right choice in bringing a child into the world.
The step-parenting situation, where an increasing number of us find ourselves, is the embodiment of an important consolation for past wrongs, and an even more important hope for the future. Out of every bad situation, God offers an opportunity for joy: the kids.
It's true that the step-parenting situation is always the result of something off-kilter that happened in the past--be it a divorce, untimely death, abandonment, or unmarried parenthood. Even in the case of an adoption, "something off-kilter" is related to the biological parents. It's important though, to assign rights and wrongs to the correct column! Perhaps there was never a sin at all, or perhaps there was a sin somewhere in the past. But the presence of children is never wrong. On the contrary, it shows that the parents made the right choice in bringing a child into the world.The step-parenting situation, where an increasing number of us find ourselves, is the embodiment of an important consolation for past wrongs, and an even more important hope for the future. Out of every bad situation, God offers an opportunity for joy: the kids.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
"He has kids?? How great for you. More people to love!" -Alison Snook (my best friend since age 5)
Hola from Madrid! My husband and I are on our honeymoon. We had a layover in Amsterdam, three days in Madrid, tomorrow we travel to the Canary Islands, then 2 days in London and 1 day in Oxford dedicated to C.S. Lewis.
We spoke with our eldest yesterday, and the younger two today (international communication is much easier than it used to be). I keep asking how my oldest stapdaughter is doing, and as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I remember that I've been with my husband nearly all the time and he likely knows no more than I!
Before our marriage, my mother, in her usual kindness and method, took out two books about step-parenting from the library. Both of them warned stepmothers-to-be to expect their honeymoons to be ruined by the intrusion of the kids. How wrong those authors were. They wanted the ribbon without the gift!
I miss my oldest the most, since I'm used to seeing her pretty often and keeping in touch with her near-daily.
So for what it's worth, ignore the books! Recognize the beauty of your new family. I cherish the time alone with my husband, I need it, and I cherish the opportunity to miss my stepkids!
We spoke with our eldest yesterday, and the younger two today (international communication is much easier than it used to be). I keep asking how my oldest stapdaughter is doing, and as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I remember that I've been with my husband nearly all the time and he likely knows no more than I!
Before our marriage, my mother, in her usual kindness and method, took out two books about step-parenting from the library. Both of them warned stepmothers-to-be to expect their honeymoons to be ruined by the intrusion of the kids. How wrong those authors were. They wanted the ribbon without the gift!
I miss my oldest the most, since I'm used to seeing her pretty often and keeping in touch with her near-daily.
So for what it's worth, ignore the books! Recognize the beauty of your new family. I cherish the time alone with my husband, I need it, and I cherish the opportunity to miss my stepkids!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Starting at the beginning
Recently I found myself in a conversation about Baptism with my oldest stepdaughter. I suspect I witnessed her very first religious question:
“What about people like me who haven’t been Baptized?”
My husband was Confirmed Catholic in 2008. My stepdaughter was raised non-denominational with him. Her personality predisposes her to say things she thinks people will be pleased with, so I was overjoyed to hear a real live question!
The best I can do is come at it from some angle relative to her; in this case, sin. We all sin, and it’s something she cannot help but observe in herself, so regardless of religion she knows that it’s true. Let’s start there.
I explained the three types of sin: original, venial and mortal. The ritual of Baptism erases original sin. We touched on Confession as well (Baptism cleanses original sin; Confession heals venial and mortal sins), and even nudged Communion. I'm very glad for the experience of RCIA at the Cathedral of Saint Paul, where they have a similar challenge of explaining complex topics, in a couple sentences, to a non-Catholic audience!
Since many of her friends were baptized or Confirmed just a couple years ago, I also explained why the Catholic Church baptizes at infancy—that it’s about cleansing the soul, not just choosing a religion. It provides a leg up on life, with extra strength obtained from membership in the larger Body of Christ. Then usually around the teen years, Confirmation is the Sacrament that signifies that a choice has been made.
Living in a cross-denominational family, it’s also important that I correctly, respectfully explain the other practices she may have seen in the past. For example, my younger stepkids were baptized at their mom’s church last year. They had a Christmas party with annual “communion” the previous year before their baptism, and at 8 and 9 they prattled that they’ve “accepted the Lord Jesus as the Savior in our hearts.” Simultaneously.
It’s a little difficult to explain the differences between the Catholic Sacrament of Baptism and the Protestent concepts since there are so many variations, and non-denominational churches can vary minister-to-minister even within the same church. Again without the RCIA program, I never would have known that the Church does recognize any denomination's Baptism that is done “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” and intends to cleanse the soul of original sin. That reinforces the fact that Baptism is about cleansing the soul, not about joining a church. But I cannot get around the fact that her brother's and sister's baptism is not recognized, either by the Catholic Church or by most Protestant faiths. I wish so much that I could be happy for my stepkids, who are so illusioned. But that's a post for another time.
My oldest stepdaughter is too old to be carted off to any church to be baptized by her parents. Parents and godparents are no longer in a position to fulfill the promises that we'd have to make, to vouch for her, etc. I wish with all my heart that she would just request Baptism. It hurts my heart every Sunday when she can't receive Communion with us. But all in time.
My family provided me with a uniquely theological background, and together with my husband I can’t wait to share that with her. “Philosophy at the dinner table,” as my sister-in-law says!
“What about people like me who haven’t been Baptized?”
My husband was Confirmed Catholic in 2008. My stepdaughter was raised non-denominational with him. Her personality predisposes her to say things she thinks people will be pleased with, so I was overjoyed to hear a real live question!
The best I can do is come at it from some angle relative to her; in this case, sin. We all sin, and it’s something she cannot help but observe in herself, so regardless of religion she knows that it’s true. Let’s start there.
I explained the three types of sin: original, venial and mortal. The ritual of Baptism erases original sin. We touched on Confession as well (Baptism cleanses original sin; Confession heals venial and mortal sins), and even nudged Communion. I'm very glad for the experience of RCIA at the Cathedral of Saint Paul, where they have a similar challenge of explaining complex topics, in a couple sentences, to a non-Catholic audience!
Since many of her friends were baptized or Confirmed just a couple years ago, I also explained why the Catholic Church baptizes at infancy—that it’s about cleansing the soul, not just choosing a religion. It provides a leg up on life, with extra strength obtained from membership in the larger Body of Christ. Then usually around the teen years, Confirmation is the Sacrament that signifies that a choice has been made.
Living in a cross-denominational family, it’s also important that I correctly, respectfully explain the other practices she may have seen in the past. For example, my younger stepkids were baptized at their mom’s church last year. They had a Christmas party with annual “communion” the previous year before their baptism, and at 8 and 9 they prattled that they’ve “accepted the Lord Jesus as the Savior in our hearts.” Simultaneously.
It’s a little difficult to explain the differences between the Catholic Sacrament of Baptism and the Protestent concepts since there are so many variations, and non-denominational churches can vary minister-to-minister even within the same church. Again without the RCIA program, I never would have known that the Church does recognize any denomination's Baptism that is done “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” and intends to cleanse the soul of original sin. That reinforces the fact that Baptism is about cleansing the soul, not about joining a church. But I cannot get around the fact that her brother's and sister's baptism is not recognized, either by the Catholic Church or by most Protestant faiths. I wish so much that I could be happy for my stepkids, who are so illusioned. But that's a post for another time.
My oldest stepdaughter is too old to be carted off to any church to be baptized by her parents. Parents and godparents are no longer in a position to fulfill the promises that we'd have to make, to vouch for her, etc. I wish with all my heart that she would just request Baptism. It hurts my heart every Sunday when she can't receive Communion with us. But all in time.
My family provided me with a uniquely theological background, and together with my husband I can’t wait to share that with her. “Philosophy at the dinner table,” as my sister-in-law says!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Talking NFP
I was so surprised last weekend at how easy it was to begin a conversation with my teen stepdaughter about natural family planning (NFP). I spent the whole weekend worrying about how to begin, and then poof! we were mid-conversation. There wasn't much time before she had to go back home, so we started off with a bit of biology and we'll continue with philosophy and ethics next weekend, then conclude with how to interpret it all.
One step forward: as a Gen X girl, I'm a lot more open to discussing reproductive "stuff" than my parents were with me--this is not such an socially embarrassing topic! Second step: looking at my stepdaughter's generation (is she still considered a Millennial? She's 15 yrs), there is a great deal more openness to NFP than when I was her age. Even apart from morailty, there is such a trend toward the natural that I now benefit from an easy conversation opener. I've known an atheist and a Jewish friend who also have used NFP because they recognize some of the side effects of hormones.
At any rate, it was a real pleasure and true bonding with my stepdaughter. I'm nervous about the rest of the conversation... especially about repeating the moment when her dad walked in on our discussion... but I'm really looking forward to hearing her point of view.
Off to paint my toenails!
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