The opportunity to build virtue

Deacon Jim Meyer, who we were lucky enough to have receive our vows at our wedding Mass, opened an RCIA class with an interesting thought. The gist: pray for virtue. But if, for example, you pray for patience, don’t expect traffic to clear up and lines to feel shorter. Expect more traffic, longer lines, children slower to obey. God builds our virtues by giving us the opportunity to build virtue.


This week I made the mistake of praying for a peaceful, clear mind. I’ve since been overwhelmed with the chatter of 5 beautiful kids (6 including my great-with-kids husband); answered so many questions that my stepson has nicknamed me “Google;” and hit my head in a football game leaving a dull ache for two days and counting.

Thank you, God, for the opportunity to try to keep my mind clear of clutter!

“Human virtues are firm attitudes, stable dispositions, habitual perfections of intellect and will that govern our actions, order our passions, and guide our conduct according to reason and faith. They make possible ease, self-mastery, and joy in leading a morally good life. The virtuous man is he who freely practices the good.”

•Prudence
•Justice
•Fortitude
•Temperance

- Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1804: Human Virtues (available from Ignatius Press)

Also recommended: Aquinas on the Cardinal Virtues (Ignatius Press)

-Michelle Gracia

"You're So White," says my hubby

Usually there's little difference between my husband's Puerto Rican outlook and my European perspective.  We're both American.  We enjoy each other's cuisine.  Then my husband will surprise me with what seems to me the most random laughter followed by "Honey, you're so white."

That happened yesterday when I asked him if we can have a quick meeting with his mom, and maybe his dad, before the kids arrive for their month with us.  Since my husband & I both work, the kids will be spending most of the mornings with my husband's parents.  I've been gathering ideas, info on hours & admission prices at museums that the kids like; free concerts and family festivals; etc.

What a novelty in Hispanic culture--a sit-down meeting about the summer plans!  His laughter increased when I told him I have a binder of info for his mom to go with it!  It contains coupons, restaurant clubs, my art museum member card, etc.

I have to admit, I've never been quite this organized myself before.  Usually I'm much more spontaneous.  Perehaps my level of juvenile nervousness about having a houseful of kids for 4+ weeks is making me obsess just a little.  More.

Well, what's the downside?  It's really just about getting my thoughts together.  It doesn't matter if the kids end up doing the activities that I've gathered in the binder.  After all, my husband is right.  I'm so white.

Tender conversations

I've beeen doing a lot of introspection recently, because the kids are coming!  They'll be here for a month straight, and I can't wait! 

Along with the excitement and planning and home arranging, I'm also reminding myself of the things that my husband does to help the kids adjust to having a stepmom.  One accusation that stepmothers constantly face is that we shouldn't be.  That's true.  It's important that my husband and I somehow communicate the value of an intact family while still encouraging admiration for our own marriage. It's humbling and difficult to admit that something fundamental to our situation is wrong.

The tendency to look down on second marriages is natural. The quirk that many of us, myself included, forget to consider is that the second marriage might not be the one that is unnatural.  Our marriage is Sacramental; my husband's first marriage was not.

How can we explain that to the kids?  Child psychology surrounding separated parents is so tender.  Logical though I am, the presence of the children is helpful in forcing me to look at things in a tender-hearted way. They love both of their parents; it's natural to want a family to be all together; why should theirs not be one of them?  It was years before my middle stepdaughter stopped wanting her parents to get together again...and I'm sure that desire has been repressed, not truly removed.

In answering the biggest "why?" of their young lives, my husband has a talent for articulating things that are very abstract.  He understands the heart of people's actions.  While I am able to analyze and explain the progression of things in a logical way--for example, I can explain the differences between legal & sacramental marriage--he has a much cleaner, simpler way that connects with his children's hearts.  In fact, two of the kids have inherited minds like his.  They have a little more difficulty with logic, but are very insightful when it comes to moral concepts.

Here are a couple ways that seem to help the kids.  These are all more organic, sentimental things, but I can't help putting them into a list! 

1. Proactively explaining what Sacramental marriage is, while being reactive about legal marriage.  It may be difficult to explain the emotional and spiritual turmoil surrounding a divorce, but it's fairly simple to explain God's role in a marriage.  Once understood, the difference becomes obvious. 
2. Providing an open door about the past, and giving only good consequences when they talk about their parents across town.
3. Example.  My stepkids are so perceptive, and tension is one of the things they pick up on the best.  I know that they notice when I'm nervous, impatient or rushed, or shy when they first arrive.  That's OK I guess.  I think a lot of step-parents put emphasis on showing the kids who's "in charge."  This is a bit more combative than my pesonality though--I'd rather let them see when I'm nervous, or hurt, or unsure, so that they can also see how I handle it.  I may not always handle it perfectly...in fact I rarely do...so that also provides an opportunity to show them how to correct my mistakes.

Wish me luck this summer--I can't wait to have a whole month of family activities!

Our little goddaughter!

I'm happy to share a blog post by my sister-in-law, talking about the Baptism of our beautiful goddaughter.
http://www.littlelambandfamily.blogspot.com/

10 Things to Love about This Weekend

What a great weekend!  Let's get the downside out first:  no deep talks about anything.  Of course, that can be an upside too!  So many upsides... 

1. I was honored to spend a great deal of time with my husband, including the entire day on Sunday.  The whole day!  He did work, as always, and he brought me and my stepdaughter with him as he drove around giving estimates for tree trimming jobs.
2. My stepdaughter was with us, and she smiled practically the entire weekend.  I love how expressive her face is, especially when she lets the eyebrows do the talking.  It makes me wonder if she gets it from her dad...in which case, I hope my kids will be just as expressive!
3. OK there was one semi-deep conversation.  Politics!  My husband and I talked a bit about the march for immigration reform that took place over the weekend.  It was invigorating to examine the details and consequences of various laws.
4. I was tickled by the choice of petitions at Mass on Sunday (at the Basilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis).  One of the five:   
   "We pray for all of the cyclists on the trails in Minneapolis this spring."  (Perhaps it was my quirky mood that found this so amusing!  I never would have thought to pray for cyclists!)
5. My stepdaughter spent a lot of time on her phone playing a business game.  Good for her.  Maybe she'll learn some tricks that she can teach to us, since my husband recently started a business.  We could use that imaginary $10k that she made in a few seconds flat.
6. I'm reading The Bible and the Qur-an by Jaques Jomier (Ignatius Press, paperback or book-on-CD).  I'm learning from it.  I love that feeling of my mind accommodating new information.  Whether I retain what I knew before?  Um...no gaurantees.  What can I say?  I'm getting old.
7. I did another wedding calligraphy job, this time for a friend to be married this summer.  It may not be painting, but it still feels great to be creative.  Thank you Kati for the privelege of doing the calligraphy on your invitations!
8. We enjoyed an immediate-family gathering at my in-laws' home on Sunday.  Yum.  And, I have a mother-in-law with a beautiful soul.
9. The weather was brisk, sunny and fresh.  Perfect for my Ann Taylor LOFT green ruffle-collared jacket that my niece & stepdaughter helped me pick out last summer.  It's no longer available online, but it's basically a green, thigh-length, empire-waist version of this one.  It was the first clothing purchase for myself all year and I am taking good care of it.
10. God gave me 10 whole things to be happy about this weekend.  I'm glad He gave me time to stop and count.

Incidentally, check out the new blog at http://www.theintelligentcatholicsguide.com/ begun by Maureen and Chilton Williamson.

Talking "objectively" part I

Bear with me while I think aloud.

I think to when I was my oldest stepdaughter's age--just three months older than she is now--and a Morality class at school defined objective vs. subjective.  It's the kind of distinction that most people instinctively know is out there, but popular social leanings squelch that instinct before most people can articulate it.

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language:

objective, adj., ... 2. Having actual existence or reality. 3.a. Uninfluenced by emotion, surmise, or personal prejudice. b. Based on observable phenomena.

subjective, adj., ... 2. b. Particular to a given individual; personal.

Simply, "objective" is the statement of the moral law (what does God say about doing this in general?).
"Subjective" is the law applied in a certain situation (is this wrong for me under my particular cicumstances?).  In America our legislatures make objective laws, and the courts judge individual cases subjectively.

My stepkids have been educated in secular schools.  All of their everyday authorities tell them not to "judge."  My husband and I see them only on weekends or longer visits.

My older stepdaughter is at the age where sexuality is an everyday challenge--her own sexuality, her friends', her boyfriend's, characters' on TV and in movies, etc.  It's very important to show the appropriate level of trust to her.  So how do we talk to her correctly, and with clarity, without appearing to unfairly accuse her or her friends?

This is the perfect situation where I think we should talk "objectively."  Moral law (objectivity) applies to sexuality just as it applies to science, math and every other pattern of life.  Regardless of anybody's situation (subjectivity), it's important to at least know what the moral laws are and what the consequences are for breaking them. 

Why not talk about her particilar decision?  Even in the rare case when a teenager shares everything about her actions and her circumstances, there's no way for any human to completely know another human's situation.  Not even the situation of your own child or parent, stepchild or steparent.

So we're agreed, we have to speak objectively, then let her make her own subjective determinations about when things are right or wrong, and let her make her own judgement as to what is wrong for her.  (Yup, she has to "judge" what's right or wrong).

It took me several paragraphs to explain that.  Men are so different!  A few weeks ago my husband said to her, "I know you have a boyfriend now.  You know what's right.  You make your own decisions, and I hope you'll make the right ones."  How simple he makes it sound!

The Age of Reason

My stepson has so many questions!  He has no fear of saying or asking anything of my husband or me, and his insights are deep.  More so than both of his older sisters.  He instinctively connects complex moral concepts with everyday tasks, unlike the girls who have a few basic approaches ("Is this selfish or generous?" "Will it make someone happy or sad?" In the younger girl's case: "What have I heard before that I can rattle off now to get the right answer?")

It's no wonder that my nine-year-old stepson also shares our love of reading, and is already perusing literature such as Around the World in 80 Days. As another way to connect, he and my husband are reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray at the same time.  They're not too impressed and are both dragging through pages 49-52, so their bonding is more about commisery than excitement.  I'm sure they'll get through it...and maybe move on to The Lord of the Rings?  No?  They don't share my love of fantasy I guess!

I can now say with confidence that my stepson has reached the age of reason:  he understands right & wrong for their own sakes, not just for the sake of the consequences.  He's a brave kid, and he was very young when his parents divorced.  I know he was given answers at the time, but those childish answers don't suffice in his growing awareness of the world, so here the questions come again!