Philomena!

I just realized it's been WAY too long since I've posted to this blog!  I only posted my story about Philomena on the other blog, even though it has a grand place here on this one.  So, here it is:

Introducing our daughter, Philomena Sebastian Gracia. One of the things that I love about my faith is the opportunity to connect with people throughout time—others of the “Church militant” still making our way on earth, and mentors of the “Church triumphant” who have succeeded in making it to heaven. Nothing gives me hope quite like the knowledge that others, just as flawed as I, have made it.

Philomena. Six years ago, after investigations and archaeological debates that lasted most of the 20th Century, scientists confirmed that in the year 202 a small girl roughly 13 years old was buried in the Catacomb of St. Priscilla beneath Rome; buried with honors bestowed only on the Church’s martyrs of those early years: a small glass vial containing an amount of her blood and a shard of bone to represent violent death.

fresco painting of Mary, Jesus and a prophet in the Catacomb of St. Priscilla

Tiles sealing her grave were inscribed pax tecum filomena (Peace to you, Filomena), and symbols of virginity and martyrdom were engraved. Within three years of the tomb’s discovery, miracles accumulated.

“She became the only person recognized by the Church as a Saint solely on the basis of her powerful intercession, since nothing historical was known of her except her name and the evidence of her martyrdom.”

Like her namesake, our daughter Philomena is herself unknown to the world, but her good work on God’s behalf shines. She inspired love among our friends, gave us a sense of clarity and simplicity, and most importantly, she brought her sisters and brother so close to us by her short life and death. She easily brought our family to a higher level of understanding that I have been praying for for years.


I know some people who follow this blog aren’t Catholic, and a post like this is probably not usual for your faith. In my muddled words I know I risk more confusion than less. By “saint” (small “s”) Catholics mean anyone who is in heaven, including angels and people who have died and gone to paradise.

symbols of martyrdom (archor) and Christianity (fish, and Chi Rho) engraved on a tile from the Catacomb of St. Sebastian

Since we’re not privy to the state of a person’s soul at the time of death—indeed, it’s even difficult to know ourselves well enough as that!—it’s very difficult to know for certain whether or not a soul is in heaven. So the Church dedicates such careful personal, scientific, medical, societal and prayerful study before recognizing (canonizing) a person with the title “Saint.”


The idea of God in His generosity assigning tasks to saints (people and angels) is found throughout the Bible. Personally I look at it as a joyful prospect that if I make it to heaven, I’ll be able to serve God with the surety that what I’m doing is exactly what He wants me to do! No more uncertainty about what’s best. I can get my instructions straight from the source. I think God has written into human nature the desire to accomplish good things, and that type of positive desire certainly must increase with closeness to God. Maybe in heaven I’ll even be able to communicate without the danger of misspeaking, which is always a trick of the devil when humans on earth converse!


Back to the practical difficulty in determining whether people’s souls are in heaven. In 1587 the Office of the Devil’s Advocate was established to disprove miracles and disqualify people from official canonization. Hence our popular name for someone who in good faith tries to ensure that his peers’ positive thinking doesn’t obscure reality. Although the name of the Vatican department recently changed, the office remains assigned to ensure that the Church doesn’t inadvertently encourage people to communicate with someone not in heaven! It’s only after passing all of the tests that sainthood can be acknowledged.


Why bother, when we can go straight to God? At its core, communication with saints in heaven is because love is inclusive. I remember the first time a priest described the relationship between people on earth and in heaven as “inclusive,” but that idea took a long time to sink in. God loves people past, present and future as His children, and the nature of fatherly love means He wants us to love each other. I think of when I met my stepkids. They love my husband, I love him, and we sit around a table together. Should each child and I keep our eyes on him alone, and avoid speaking to each other? Does it detract from our love towards him when the kids look to me for an example—or when they speak to each other before jointly laying a question before my husband? In coming to each other, are we denying Raul’s place as leader? How silly! Of course our love for my husband only grows as his kids and I develop relationships with each other. It illuminates more of him. Love is inclusive.


When I lost little Philomena, my oldest stepdaughter suggested that when I find a penny, I think of it as a gift from my little angel. Since then I’ve found pennies in usual and unusual places, from a cafe carpet to the thumb of a pair of gloves. Each time, my thoughts include little Philomena and my tender-hearted stepdaughter. Thank you, Kayla, and pax tecum, Philomena.


-Michelle Gracia

Frustrating.

There’s an odd presence in our house. It’s like a ghost, of my husband’s past.


My stepkids, like all of us, have elements of both parents in their personalities. Recently one of my stepdaughters has been gravitating heavily toward her mother, and doing nothing (or in some cases, not enough) about important aspects of life: school, personal relationships, job, her future.  Religion.  We love her immensely and want to see her use her talents to succeed in school and beyond. But since she doesn’t live with us, our efforts to motivate her from afar and provide resources have come to naught. Part of her Grand Avoidance is to make excuses, with the help of her mother, not to visit anyone on our side of her family.

Lack of action has never been my flaw; on the contrary I tend to leap before I look. My husband also is a great “doer” in work, education and a myriad of personal pursuits from boxing to photography. We’ve been exposed in our own homes to a variety of personalities. Our parents and siblings, and to an extent our aunts and uncles all expose us to different methods of dealing with life. And teen years are a time of new boundaries and experimentation for everyone.

I’ve always pictured “new boundaries” and “experimentation” as having actual events to them. A real live experiment. This grand lack of anything—dare I name it cowardice?—is something I’ve never encountered either in my own family or in my husband’s, and I don’t know how to deal with it. It hangs in our home even when she is not here, because she is still part of us, and her mother is part of her. If only there could be some thing to handle!

I know there is always prayer, so I’ve been doing what I can to research saints, parental sites and prayers that maybe can offer advice. I haven’t found much beyond very broad prayers—prayer of a mother, prayer for a teen, etc.—but the research and prayer give me the sense that I’m helping and give me the opportunity to dedicate some time to a girl that I love.

St. Aloyisius Gonzaga, patron saint of teenagers and namesake of Gonzaga University

Perhaps also this is a time when I have to realize that all personalities have also elements of God. After all, this avoidance, which I have no idea how to deal with, is something God has handled in her, in her mother, and in countless people throughout history. President Kennedy was profoundly inactive during the Bay of Pigs crisis, drawing intense, justified criticism…but no war ensued, so miraculously lives were saved. Did he know that doing nothing would release the tension? Undoubtedly not. More likely he just didn’t have the courage to do what he thought to be right. Nonetheless his inaction left room for God to put some calmness into riled tempers. So prayer remains my only answer.

I’ll have to trust that God will put answers in front of me, one at a time, at a pace that my stepdaughter will be able to handle.

Child support and my favorite movie

I love those moments when two aspects of life come together! Last week my husband and I paid the monthly child support; and this weekend I watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Unrelated?

Denethor: Steward of Gondor and a second-tier character I hadn't related to in the past.  Ding ding!

I guess every couple finds their own way to handle finance. In our home, my husband handles money by aligning expenses with his larger goals. In a more methodical philosophy, I prioritize things that we're required to pay, regardless of whether they align with my emotional priorities.

To illustrate: my husband is a chef and owns a tree business. In my mind, a parking ticket with a threatening late charge would take priority over a Cook’s Illustrated or ISA Arboriculture subscription. To him, the benefits of learning more about his occupation are worth the city’s late fee.

These things come and go, but child support is a fact of life. For the most part, I’m lucky that our rates and arrangements are fair. They provide for the kids, leave enough for us to live on, and require that the other parent contribute financially. Just three points cause distress for me as a stepmother:

1. Do the kids benefit from the support that we pay? Mommy can do whatever she wants with the money—drink, shop, gamble, enjoy $150 haircuts or cosmetic dental procedures.
2. “The system” is right that my stepkids’ mothers need to have larger homes...and so do we. Some standard adjustments (based upon how much time we spend with the kids) allow for us to provide food, clothing, transportation, etc. when the kids stay with us. But there is no provision for the rather major requirement that our home accommodate five people.
3. In a home like ours where my husband’s income is not fixed—it’s based on business profits—there will unavoidably be months when that fixed child support amount is no small burden. If the kids lived here full-time, then during tough months we could choose inexpensive items and make other sacrifices to reduce expenses, but with child support, we pay the same amount no matter what.

There’s not much we can do about the first, and fortunately, I can think logically through moral decisions. Financially supporting my stepkids is our obligation and our joy.  The sentence ends there.  It's our obligation regardless of whether or not the other parent also does the right thing.

That we also have to have a bigger home at less cost is also fairly easy to deal with emotionally, although it will always be more difficult to find the right home. I just have to accept the kids as part of my family (a good thing!), and it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. My parents are very generous with me, and it's a joy to pass that along.  Sure, it’s a nice fantasy to think of moving to a cozy condo at a swanky address (my husband and I enjoy small spaces and downtown St. Paul). But the kids are a blessing and realistically we have to keep this home, which is farther from our ideal neighborhood and accommodates them.

Two down. The last is the tough one for me. It’s hard to watch what sometimes is a huge portion of our income divert into the hands of someone who may or may not spend it on the kids.

This is where my weekend break-through comes in.  I didn’t realize it—I’d sit through homilies and innocently nod my head—but I was looking at the money we earn as mine and my husband’s. The truth is, all of it belongs to God.  It’s His money and I’m the steward of it, like Denethor was the steward of Gondor.  My talents, my job, my husband’s business…all are of God, and my job is to pass the proceeds along to wherever they will do good for our home or another.  My husband and I were just a stop on the way.  If some of it helps to take care of another woman (not the kids), then it’s up to God to ensure that it works some good in that other woman’s life and by extension improves the kids’ lives.  That kind of thing is a cinch for God.

Humility

I wonder if parents have a similar experience? All preparations and classes and workshops tell us that the marital relationship is the core of every family, natural and step, and it must be the first priority of a couple to care for their marriage above all.

Kids have needs though, and adults should be able to put emotions on hold (for a reasonable time) while more immediate needs are taken care of. I wish it was as easy as it sounds. This summer my stepkids were with us for a month, and as a newlywed, this was by far the longest I’d been together with them under one roof. If the kids could be with us for much of the year, as my oldest stepdaughter is, then I like to hope family life would be “normal” enough with their presence that our natural marital priorities can be kept in order. By contrast when the younger ones come, which is for longer, fewer stints of time, my husband has to (also wants to, and it’s right to) cram a lot of attention, reassurance, learning and teaching into these chunks of time. Every time that they come and go, he worries that a tragedy will make this the last time.

It’s humbling, a real challenge for someone like me who lived on my own for 12 years, to realize that in our home, I’m just not always that important! It’s very good for me spiritually I know, and probably long overdue. i’m sure parents feel the same challenge in other ways. I guess God found His way to remind me that I should be more humble, not presuming or expectant. Now to live down to it.


- Michelle Gracia

P.S. I write from Las Vegas, where I’m staying for a business meeting this week. My husband’s food is light years better than anything I’ve tasted at the restaurants here!

The opportunity to build virtue

Deacon Jim Meyer, who we were lucky enough to have receive our vows at our wedding Mass, opened an RCIA class with an interesting thought. The gist: pray for virtue. But if, for example, you pray for patience, don’t expect traffic to clear up and lines to feel shorter. Expect more traffic, longer lines, children slower to obey. God builds our virtues by giving us the opportunity to build virtue.


This week I made the mistake of praying for a peaceful, clear mind. I’ve since been overwhelmed with the chatter of 5 beautiful kids (6 including my great-with-kids husband); answered so many questions that my stepson has nicknamed me “Google;” and hit my head in a football game leaving a dull ache for two days and counting.

Thank you, God, for the opportunity to try to keep my mind clear of clutter!

“Human virtues are firm attitudes, stable dispositions, habitual perfections of intellect and will that govern our actions, order our passions, and guide our conduct according to reason and faith. They make possible ease, self-mastery, and joy in leading a morally good life. The virtuous man is he who freely practices the good.”

•Prudence
•Justice
•Fortitude
•Temperance

- Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1804: Human Virtues (available from Ignatius Press)

Also recommended: Aquinas on the Cardinal Virtues (Ignatius Press)

-Michelle Gracia

"You're So White," says my hubby

Usually there's little difference between my husband's Puerto Rican outlook and my European perspective.  We're both American.  We enjoy each other's cuisine.  Then my husband will surprise me with what seems to me the most random laughter followed by "Honey, you're so white."

That happened yesterday when I asked him if we can have a quick meeting with his mom, and maybe his dad, before the kids arrive for their month with us.  Since my husband & I both work, the kids will be spending most of the mornings with my husband's parents.  I've been gathering ideas, info on hours & admission prices at museums that the kids like; free concerts and family festivals; etc.

What a novelty in Hispanic culture--a sit-down meeting about the summer plans!  His laughter increased when I told him I have a binder of info for his mom to go with it!  It contains coupons, restaurant clubs, my art museum member card, etc.

I have to admit, I've never been quite this organized myself before.  Usually I'm much more spontaneous.  Perehaps my level of juvenile nervousness about having a houseful of kids for 4+ weeks is making me obsess just a little.  More.

Well, what's the downside?  It's really just about getting my thoughts together.  It doesn't matter if the kids end up doing the activities that I've gathered in the binder.  After all, my husband is right.  I'm so white.

Tender conversations

I've beeen doing a lot of introspection recently, because the kids are coming!  They'll be here for a month straight, and I can't wait! 

Along with the excitement and planning and home arranging, I'm also reminding myself of the things that my husband does to help the kids adjust to having a stepmom.  One accusation that stepmothers constantly face is that we shouldn't be.  That's true.  It's important that my husband and I somehow communicate the value of an intact family while still encouraging admiration for our own marriage. It's humbling and difficult to admit that something fundamental to our situation is wrong.

The tendency to look down on second marriages is natural. The quirk that many of us, myself included, forget to consider is that the second marriage might not be the one that is unnatural.  Our marriage is Sacramental; my husband's first marriage was not.

How can we explain that to the kids?  Child psychology surrounding separated parents is so tender.  Logical though I am, the presence of the children is helpful in forcing me to look at things in a tender-hearted way. They love both of their parents; it's natural to want a family to be all together; why should theirs not be one of them?  It was years before my middle stepdaughter stopped wanting her parents to get together again...and I'm sure that desire has been repressed, not truly removed.

In answering the biggest "why?" of their young lives, my husband has a talent for articulating things that are very abstract.  He understands the heart of people's actions.  While I am able to analyze and explain the progression of things in a logical way--for example, I can explain the differences between legal & sacramental marriage--he has a much cleaner, simpler way that connects with his children's hearts.  In fact, two of the kids have inherited minds like his.  They have a little more difficulty with logic, but are very insightful when it comes to moral concepts.

Here are a couple ways that seem to help the kids.  These are all more organic, sentimental things, but I can't help putting them into a list! 

1. Proactively explaining what Sacramental marriage is, while being reactive about legal marriage.  It may be difficult to explain the emotional and spiritual turmoil surrounding a divorce, but it's fairly simple to explain God's role in a marriage.  Once understood, the difference becomes obvious. 
2. Providing an open door about the past, and giving only good consequences when they talk about their parents across town.
3. Example.  My stepkids are so perceptive, and tension is one of the things they pick up on the best.  I know that they notice when I'm nervous, impatient or rushed, or shy when they first arrive.  That's OK I guess.  I think a lot of step-parents put emphasis on showing the kids who's "in charge."  This is a bit more combative than my pesonality though--I'd rather let them see when I'm nervous, or hurt, or unsure, so that they can also see how I handle it.  I may not always handle it perfectly...in fact I rarely do...so that also provides an opportunity to show them how to correct my mistakes.

Wish me luck this summer--I can't wait to have a whole month of family activities!