Hola from Madrid! My husband and I are on our honeymoon. We had a layover in Amsterdam, three days in Madrid, tomorrow we travel to the Canary Islands, then 2 days in London and 1 day in Oxford dedicated to C.S. Lewis.
We spoke with our eldest yesterday, and the younger two today (international communication is much easier than it used to be). I keep asking how my oldest stapdaughter is doing, and as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I remember that I've been with my husband nearly all the time and he likely knows no more than I!
Before our marriage, my mother, in her usual kindness and method, took out two books about step-parenting from the library. Both of them warned stepmothers-to-be to expect their honeymoons to be ruined by the intrusion of the kids. How wrong those authors were. They wanted the ribbon without the gift!
I miss my oldest the most, since I'm used to seeing her pretty often and keeping in touch with her near-daily.
So for what it's worth, ignore the books! Recognize the beauty of your new family. I cherish the time alone with my husband, I need it, and I cherish the opportunity to miss my stepkids!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Starting at the beginning
Recently I found myself in a conversation about Baptism with my oldest stepdaughter. I suspect I witnessed her very first religious question:
“What about people like me who haven’t been Baptized?”
My husband was Confirmed Catholic in 2008. My stepdaughter was raised non-denominational with him. Her personality predisposes her to say things she thinks people will be pleased with, so I was overjoyed to hear a real live question!
The best I can do is come at it from some angle relative to her; in this case, sin. We all sin, and it’s something she cannot help but observe in herself, so regardless of religion she knows that it’s true. Let’s start there.
I explained the three types of sin: original, venial and mortal. The ritual of Baptism erases original sin. We touched on Confession as well (Baptism cleanses original sin; Confession heals venial and mortal sins), and even nudged Communion. I'm very glad for the experience of RCIA at the Cathedral of Saint Paul, where they have a similar challenge of explaining complex topics, in a couple sentences, to a non-Catholic audience!
Since many of her friends were baptized or Confirmed just a couple years ago, I also explained why the Catholic Church baptizes at infancy—that it’s about cleansing the soul, not just choosing a religion. It provides a leg up on life, with extra strength obtained from membership in the larger Body of Christ. Then usually around the teen years, Confirmation is the Sacrament that signifies that a choice has been made.
Living in a cross-denominational family, it’s also important that I correctly, respectfully explain the other practices she may have seen in the past. For example, my younger stepkids were baptized at their mom’s church last year. They had a Christmas party with annual “communion” the previous year before their baptism, and at 8 and 9 they prattled that they’ve “accepted the Lord Jesus as the Savior in our hearts.” Simultaneously.
It’s a little difficult to explain the differences between the Catholic Sacrament of Baptism and the Protestent concepts since there are so many variations, and non-denominational churches can vary minister-to-minister even within the same church. Again without the RCIA program, I never would have known that the Church does recognize any denomination's Baptism that is done “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” and intends to cleanse the soul of original sin. That reinforces the fact that Baptism is about cleansing the soul, not about joining a church. But I cannot get around the fact that her brother's and sister's baptism is not recognized, either by the Catholic Church or by most Protestant faiths. I wish so much that I could be happy for my stepkids, who are so illusioned. But that's a post for another time.
My oldest stepdaughter is too old to be carted off to any church to be baptized by her parents. Parents and godparents are no longer in a position to fulfill the promises that we'd have to make, to vouch for her, etc. I wish with all my heart that she would just request Baptism. It hurts my heart every Sunday when she can't receive Communion with us. But all in time.
My family provided me with a uniquely theological background, and together with my husband I can’t wait to share that with her. “Philosophy at the dinner table,” as my sister-in-law says!
“What about people like me who haven’t been Baptized?”
My husband was Confirmed Catholic in 2008. My stepdaughter was raised non-denominational with him. Her personality predisposes her to say things she thinks people will be pleased with, so I was overjoyed to hear a real live question!
The best I can do is come at it from some angle relative to her; in this case, sin. We all sin, and it’s something she cannot help but observe in herself, so regardless of religion she knows that it’s true. Let’s start there.
I explained the three types of sin: original, venial and mortal. The ritual of Baptism erases original sin. We touched on Confession as well (Baptism cleanses original sin; Confession heals venial and mortal sins), and even nudged Communion. I'm very glad for the experience of RCIA at the Cathedral of Saint Paul, where they have a similar challenge of explaining complex topics, in a couple sentences, to a non-Catholic audience!
Since many of her friends were baptized or Confirmed just a couple years ago, I also explained why the Catholic Church baptizes at infancy—that it’s about cleansing the soul, not just choosing a religion. It provides a leg up on life, with extra strength obtained from membership in the larger Body of Christ. Then usually around the teen years, Confirmation is the Sacrament that signifies that a choice has been made.
Living in a cross-denominational family, it’s also important that I correctly, respectfully explain the other practices she may have seen in the past. For example, my younger stepkids were baptized at their mom’s church last year. They had a Christmas party with annual “communion” the previous year before their baptism, and at 8 and 9 they prattled that they’ve “accepted the Lord Jesus as the Savior in our hearts.” Simultaneously.
It’s a little difficult to explain the differences between the Catholic Sacrament of Baptism and the Protestent concepts since there are so many variations, and non-denominational churches can vary minister-to-minister even within the same church. Again without the RCIA program, I never would have known that the Church does recognize any denomination's Baptism that is done “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” and intends to cleanse the soul of original sin. That reinforces the fact that Baptism is about cleansing the soul, not about joining a church. But I cannot get around the fact that her brother's and sister's baptism is not recognized, either by the Catholic Church or by most Protestant faiths. I wish so much that I could be happy for my stepkids, who are so illusioned. But that's a post for another time.
My oldest stepdaughter is too old to be carted off to any church to be baptized by her parents. Parents and godparents are no longer in a position to fulfill the promises that we'd have to make, to vouch for her, etc. I wish with all my heart that she would just request Baptism. It hurts my heart every Sunday when she can't receive Communion with us. But all in time.
My family provided me with a uniquely theological background, and together with my husband I can’t wait to share that with her. “Philosophy at the dinner table,” as my sister-in-law says!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Talking NFP
I was so surprised last weekend at how easy it was to begin a conversation with my teen stepdaughter about natural family planning (NFP). I spent the whole weekend worrying about how to begin, and then poof! we were mid-conversation. There wasn't much time before she had to go back home, so we started off with a bit of biology and we'll continue with philosophy and ethics next weekend, then conclude with how to interpret it all.
One step forward: as a Gen X girl, I'm a lot more open to discussing reproductive "stuff" than my parents were with me--this is not such an socially embarrassing topic! Second step: looking at my stepdaughter's generation (is she still considered a Millennial? She's 15 yrs), there is a great deal more openness to NFP than when I was her age. Even apart from morailty, there is such a trend toward the natural that I now benefit from an easy conversation opener. I've known an atheist and a Jewish friend who also have used NFP because they recognize some of the side effects of hormones.
At any rate, it was a real pleasure and true bonding with my stepdaughter. I'm nervous about the rest of the conversation... especially about repeating the moment when her dad walked in on our discussion... but I'm really looking forward to hearing her point of view.
Off to paint my toenails!
What should my step-children call me?
When King Solomon was presented with a choice between two “mothers,” he suggested that the child be split in half. As a child I always took this story literally—I read about Solomon taking up a knife, and was properly horrified. As a stepmother, I see this lesson in a new light.
The Church’s First Council of Ephesus as early as 431 A.D. concluded that in truth, a mother or father is the parent of the whole person. A child cannot be divided in identity or in ancestry body from soul, any more than he can be cut bottom from top. Calling me “mom” would associate me with motherhood of his soul or his mind, even though I am not mother of his body. To treat a person as if he is divisible is not only false, it also sets the child’s “parts” against each other. And let’s be honest: any attempt to talk about a child in terms of divided parentage most likely is intended to be an insult to one or the other parent. It certainly isn’t intended to foster a complete, fulfilled child.
In light of this understanding, I see what a great offense it would be to allow someone else’s child to call me “mom,” no matter what percentage of the year they are under my guidance. If I am to truly love them, then I must love them wholely, for who they truly are, body, mind and soul.
Who would not cringe at the thought of a child torn in two parts…yet how many of us do exactly that?
So my stepkids call me by my first name. We took the first steps with honesty.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Introducing my family
A year ago, I read a book about step-parenting in preparation for my marriage. I have three beautiful stepkids, two stepdaughters and one stepson, and I'm so proud of my husband. We first participated in marraige prep (pre-Cana), and we took a Natural Family Planning (NFP) class. I then took two stepfamily workshops through my employer, and I read up on the challenges of being a stepmom.
So here I am! I know love, hope, and frustration. I know the rosary and a few things about guilt and responsibility! If there are any other Catholic stepmoms and stepkids feeling bereft of Catholic advice, you and your insights are welcome.
Notice the separation. I tried and tried to find a piece of writing that combines the two topics: Catholic advice on becoming a step-parent. The closest I came was a question on our marraige prep test that asked how we each feel about caring for other children. That's it.
So, I returned to psychology and other writings. Secular writings are well-meaning, and Christian writings are better although they don't approach the depths of this beautifully Catholic understanding of marraige. Troubles are often treated in terris tones--well done, and completely truthful, but you'd think that the goal of every situation is "to make this step-family successful" until the kids are grown. I say the goal is much deeper and longer-lasting: the goal is to get us all, lovingly, to heaven.
So here I am! I know love, hope, and frustration. I know the rosary and a few things about guilt and responsibility! If there are any other Catholic stepmoms and stepkids feeling bereft of Catholic advice, you and your insights are welcome.
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